Dear Brian Eno,
I’m through with all that angry “Head like a Hole” stuff. I’m really into Macs and yoga now and I even considered painting with light the other day but got angry because I couldn’t figure it out and decided to listen to the sound of glass crashing on the floor instead. Oh and I even considered recording in a castle, but after that last controversy over the Tate house I thought against it. My new producer (Atticus Ross) is a genius, really. Not as much as you, but he’s quite good. Perhaps this tribute album, which I have lovingly released to my fans for free (free Eno, like the wind!) will make up for that pig’s head with the feather (which I took from a glittery boa you wore on the first Roxy Music tour that I bought on ebay) that I left at your door. That was on the Pretty Hate Machine tour and I was really into Ketamine at that time. I’m sorry! I heard it really freaked Byrne out.
But I’m so healthy now, really I am. All cleaned up. Check out my muscles… and my clean and tidy hair! Oh wait, you don’t have any hair… oh, I really didn’t mean that as a jab! Ok, enough about ME. I will quit while I’m ahead. But really, you might reconsider working with me on the next one, yes? I mean if Bowie did it, it can’t be that bad, right? Better than working with those fuckheads in Coldplay!
Vacuum cleaner nonsense? You decide. That’s the beauty of it: it’s free!