Utterly unfunny but highly-snoggible Fallon takes over for Conan in 2009

Everyone knows that Jimmy Fallon is not funny.

But most white American male comedians are kinda gnarly–Dmitri Martin a glaring exception. However, Fallon, mad cute! Not just cute, but nonthreatening cute, unlike creepsters like David Spade or spasmodics like Jim Carey and Adam Sandler. Fallon’s impish idiocy is almost charming…ok, not really charming. But those eyes! Fuck, ok, he’s nothing but a cute bum. 

Oscar Nominee Thandie Newtownthinking “Wow, I just broke up with PhD candidate boyfriend…hmmm….”

When I was in highschool my nicotine-stained, too-sassy-for-our-own good girlfriends and I had this friend Darren*  whose house we use a lot for parties. Dude listened to a lot of Phish, smoked a lot of weed, and pretty much could be coerced into doing anything if you made eyes at him. He, like Jimmy Fallon, was fairly petite, had lovely soft features anddark brown eyes. With his hemp necklace tied too tight around his small throat, he almost looked like a puppy on a leash. 

Darren rarely had a girlfriend despite his adorable visage, so he became that boy that all my friends would make out with when we were a. bored,  b. trying to make another boy jealous at the bonfire or c. needed some adolescent rebounding from our first loves (i.e. safe-albeit-awkward, barely secondd base fumbling in a tree house or a basement) . Darren was our Jimmy Fallon. He rarely made jokes that were funny–although, damn, he tried. He, like Fallon, did a lot of giggling, often at his own failed jokes. Did he ever read a book? Na? Graduate high school? Pshaw. That would screw around with power hour (beer/bong) which managed to be about every hour. The beauty of him was he represented everything vapid and nonthreatening in boy form…the farthest thing from smart, soon-to-be sucessful boys who would and could break our smart/cynical girl-hearts.

Well, Darren now works in insurance, lives with his parents, and has grown out of his Justin Timberlake-goes-hippie-snuggliness to look more like a fan of the defunct Man Show, complete with beer gut and ill-advised facial hair. Although I believe he may still wear hemp. Fallon on the other hand, as officially announced today, is going to take over for Conan O’Brian (no Conan, don’t go!) on NBC’s “Late Night” when Conan takes over for Letterman.

The reasoning for this choice?

NBC expects that Mr. Fallon will at least maintain Mr. O’Brien’s superiority among the younger male viewers who have traditionally made up the core audience for the post-midnight shows. But those younger men are also becoming mass defectors from traditional television viewing, often watching comic performances either in replays from DVR’s or on YouTube.

Uh-huh. Yeah, dudes are way into Fallon. Just like chicks really loved Craig Kilbourn. Well, the press conference didn’t bode well:

“Mr. Fallon claimed his kindergarten yearbook featured his photo above the caption ‘Most Likely to Take Over David Letterman.’ (Someone in the crowd, possibly auditioning to be Mr. Fallon’s sidekick, let out an audible “Wow” at this point.) When asked what kindergarten had yearbooks, much less ones with references to David Letterman, Mr. Fallon joked, ‘It’s a magical kindergarten. It’s taught by a unicorn, a talking unicorn.'”

Oh god. At least we’ll all get to see Conan earlier. Still, low blow NBC. Low fucking blow.

*Not his real name

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One response to “Utterly unfunny but highly-snoggible Fallon takes over for Conan in 2009

  1. I know I have told you many of my darkest secrets over many a bottle of wine lo these almost-three years, but I don’t think you know yet that I had a closet-door shrine to Craig Kilborn when he was on The Daily Show. It’s true, and now we’re next-level friends.

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